Personal statement:

I've had some shitty things happen in my life.

I know I'm not alone in that.

There are some djs here who know about some of those shitty things, because we connected at one time or another, after a donation thank you email a year or two ago, or from a thanks for your comment email, also at least last year.

Sometimes that's all it is, a couple of emails, and sometimes there are more emails. I haven't been connected w/any of them on social media, and only been in touch with one pretty frequently since January. I know it wasn't one-sided. I was practically invited to move in with this person.

But I sent a message ending the communication on Sunday, because I realized that messaging or speaking about my father's death two weeks ago, from covid19, was such a huge downer, I didn't want to keep being the one in the conversation to say 'things are still shitty, I'm having trouble coping, especially during a pandemic lockdown'.

This morning that DJ accused me of harassment. I rec'd an email, part apology and part 'I have no grudge against you' (???); My reply was a knee-jerk reaction to seeing that, which then set him off, skewing things into the defensive, in this statement:

"Do me a favor. You've harassed at least two wfmu dj's now. Please don't do this to a third, will you?"

He also felt the need to accuse me of not being the person I told him I am., not having the job I told him is my job, not having the life I told him is my life, essentially, implying in email that I’m a fake identity.

The amounts of money I have donated to WFMU in this last marathon and in 2019, and 2018, were all done on credit card. The people who run the marathons, and the station, know that the credit card with my legal name, matches my legal name at my legal mailing address, and that name and address also match the information my employer has. And I have family members, a sister who died more than 20 yrs ago, a mother who died more than 25 yrs ago, and now a father who died two fucking weeks ago, and a sole surviving sister, ALL with the same surname. I told him I went on a job interview 5 days after having a partial mastectomy. My agency contact learned that when we had lunch together 6 months or so into my role. I told him that jobs have been difficult to come by since I didn’t finish college, since I was going through a divorce while my mother was dying of lung cancer metastasis in the early 1990s, which all made focusing on schoolwork difficult.

ALL of my shitty baggage can be substantiated. How fucking happy about that should I be?!

But this prick, after sharing so much of my heart and gut and fears and hopes and dreams, emailing then messaging on an app then speaking, has decided that I lied to him over those four months. This would imply that last year and the year before, when I was in touch with the other two djs, I also lied to them about who I claim to be. Shitty baggage I prefer not to share at length in comments boards. And I sure as hell don’t have to share my identity in the comments or on this listener profile info section.

Tell me, listeners, do djs and other listeners know who each of you really are? Have you gone offline to communicate with them and then shared real, concrete, information about your life? Because you believed they were sharing equally with you?? I KNOW I’m not the only one in this category of listener. I also know that one of the djs I used to email and message, told me herself she had someone harass her last year. She said it sent her into a mess of anxiety and worry, about her job at the station, and more. Even the prick who accused me of harassing two djs, told me she had been through that.. and I replied that I knew it because I’d heard it directly from her when it happened. Jesus they each know that they each knew me to be who I say I am. They also each know enough about me to know that I dislike my lot in life so much, I couldn’t imagine why anyone would choose my identity. But she blocked me on WhatsApp when I tried asking for her help and for her to explain why he made the accusation.

He decided a cruel early morning email to me, writing that he heard yesterday that I had harassed two djs, was the right thing to write to a person who just didn’t want to be in touch with him anymore under current circumstances.

This harassment is unsubstantiated. He claimed there are two djs and claimed this was told to him yesterday.

I have inquired - because who wouldn't want to know who is claiming they've harassed others - and one person replied to me, assuring me they knew nothing about this and let me know they've never had any issue with our communication; in fact they even mentioned after they heard about the circumstances around my father's death they had intended on emailing me again.

The other, of the only two djs I’d ever corresponded with besides him, blocked me on whatsapp. really? for asking if they could help me understand why I received the email message this morning claiming two djs said I harassed them? Someone who a year ago was writing to me that they so enjoy our chats, and are so glad we connected and we had so much in common and it's so nice to have that kind of connection... they blocked me minutes after I asked wth is going on.

I didn't continue to contact the only two dj's I've communicated more than once with, in spite of them each seeming kind and complimentary and welcoming further contact. I still have their emails and messages to prove it.

I did get a second reply by end of day, this time from another person I asked, who’s also at the station, so you’d think would hear about a listener and donor harassing multiple djs: “Very sorry to hear this, but I have no idea. No one has complained to me”.

So what the hell is this shit?? And what a shitty thing to do to a person who was only reading your signals, of not really being in the mood much to communicate within the days after I'd become a broken record of grief and confusion, letting you know I 'get it' and no problem not being in touch anymore.. I mean I said I finally saw all the signals, and since my grief caused the interactions to decrease anyway, may as well end it. And this is what I got in return.

And who at WFMU will do the right thing and contact me to discuss this??

And who at WFMU will be sure to emphatically remind the accuser that my private contact info - which I only provided to the station in the context of donations and listener demographics, best not be abused in any manner by him going forward??!

My father, who lived in a memory care facility in Essex County NJ, was the reason for the second time I wrote to the dj who's now accusing me of harassment and not being who I claim to be. I left a comment on a playlist page of his early this year, after listening on the archives. I was so heartened to hear an entire show devoted to music I thought would bring my father joy in the fog of his vascular dementia. I let the dj know how much I appreciated the show, and that I had planned on playing it from the archives when I visited my father. He continued to email me. He thanked me for what I'd expressed, and for sharing that personal info. I had commented on another show of his once or twice, I still have an email reply he sent me to thank me for my comment; that time I'd let him know that playlist would be great to listen to as I run.

What a creepy bitch I am huh. Writing stuff any other listener would write, only less of it, because I'm too introverted and lack the confidence to be more chatty on the chat boards.

Look how that was reciprocated. No one deserves to be treated like this. Not while grieving for a father who was a sitting duck, exposed to covid19, suffered as he was dying alone and my family and I couldn't even be with him. Not while we're all in a global pandemic lockdown. NOT EVER.

I hope he has at least one moment of feeling anguish and remorse for his actions. And shame. He should feel shame.

Still waiting to be contacted by someone higher up at the station, to hear once and for all who the fuck claimed they were harassed by me. I've got screen shots of whatsapp conversations, saved conversations, and saved emails. Give me the courtesy of a reply. I've only donated $1300-$1400 over the past 3 years, but christ i deserve to hear what the hell is going on and what will be done to put it to rest.