Twenty-Four Reasons to Hope for a Stock Market Crash in the New Millennium

by Dave Mandl


  • Cheap TriBeCa real estate
  • No more discussions of the NASDAQ on sports call-in shows
  • Twenty-three-year-old former wunderkind founder of TheGlobe.com arrested for beating up a transvestite in West Hollywood
  • No more damn books about Warren Buffett
  • Startling revelation: Microsoft is no more than a slave-labor camp for twenty-year-old white kids that sells hideously bad software at criminal prices; Bill Gates is a pudgy, semi-autistic dweeb whose mother still dresses him
  • Cheap SUVs
  • Eighty percent of the world's biggest assholes stranded in the Hamptons without carfare to return to New York (Note: requires summer crash)
  • No more articles on investing in Family Circle, Allure, Entertainment Weekly, or Car & Driver Magazine
  • Computer programmers stop dressing like Oscar Wilde and dating supermodels, go back to watching Deep Space Nine and eating Munchos like they're supposed to
  • Every day is sale day at Barney's
  • Born-again day-trading "genius" Barbra Streisand and her evil sidekick Donna Karan lose it all
  • Inane commodity-prices ticker at Shea Stadium replaced with Jerry Koozman monument
  • Price of Trump Hotels stock actually falls below zero
  • So long forever to Smart Money, Upside, Worth, Fast Company, and Cigar Aficionado; more room on newsstands for SweeTarts
  • Parade of TV market pundits swear they've been 80% in cash all along
  • New York magazine special issue: "Staten Island: The Undiscovered Gem in New York Bay"
  • CNBC Market Babe Maria Bartiromo back working in Nellie's Pizza on Bay Ridge Avenue
  • Online brokerage firm E-Trade, its stock price under intense pressure, branches into dry-cleaning business
  • Web-page-designers begin to lie when asked what they do for a living
  • Re-emergence of OTB as a viable gambling venue
  • No reservations necessary at Nobu, even on Saturday night
  • Federal government drops its proposal to invest Social Security funds in stocks, decides to put the money into a huge stamp collection instead
  • Amazon.com stock certificates replace Pokemon cards as latest kids' trading craze
  • Top-rated TV game show: Who Wants to Win a Roll of Quarters?

    [Previously published in LCD (early 2000)]


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