Options Why Oh Why? with Andrea Silenzi: Playlist from April 16, 2014 Options

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Andrea Silenzi speaks with friends, experts, guys in bars, and her own Grandma Phyllis about where love and sex meets technology.

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Options April 16, 2014: #20 - Always Say Yes to the Party

Everyone wants to tell you their rules for dating - when to call, when to text, how to leave, when to get naked - but most of those rules are crap. Let’s do it better.

My guest Holly Wood would love to answer more of your questions over Twitter.

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Comments
Everyone wants to tell you their rules for dating - when to call, when to text, how to leave, when to get naked - but most of those rules are total crap. Let’s do it better. 
After this show, here's what we came up with:

* Always say yes to the party.
* Texting is important
* Contact within 24 hours after a good first date
* Calling is cool even if it's not often expected
* Schedule a week between the first and second date
* Take your time getting to know someone before you binge date
* Don’t rush to make your potential beau meet your friends (or to meet his)
* Don’t obsess over the existence of a spark, just enjoy it when it happens, even if it feels like a chest cold
* The quality of the first date won’t always be determined by the location
* Dinner date for first dates - no way
* Make sure you can see the exit
* Don't overtext
* E-mail is sexy
* Skype pre-dates are acceptable, but give a good reason why
* Leave your phone in your purse or pocket
* When you realize it’s wrong, be human and empathetic -- don't be a dick
* Own the awkwardness. (It's always awkward.)
* Follow Dan Savage's campsite rule -a first date should never be damaging to someone's self-esteem
* White lies are an OK exit strategy
* If you feel it won't work out--play up the reason why during the date--eg. if he hates vegetarians, don't pretend to eat meat.
 

Listener comments!

Avatar Wed. 4/16/14 7:00pm Callieflower:

Hiii, everyone
  Wed. 4/16/14 7:02pm P-90:

Good Evening, Dr. Andrea
---and Dr. Holly
Avatar Wed. 4/16/14 7:03pm Callieflower:

Giggliest radio since Geneva and Laurie were on The Best Show :p
Avatar Wed. 4/16/14 7:05pm anne:

congrats!!
Avatar Wed. 4/16/14 7:07pm Callieflower:

Dark lip liner to the gym is the way to go
  Wed. 4/16/14 7:09pm Robert:

Aha, so now we know how the FMA mgr. job opened up.
  Wed. 4/16/14 7:10pm P-90:

"meetiing the person you're gonna end up with" sounds SO depressing
  Wed. 4/16/14 7:11pm 24 years old in Doylestown:

My son who is 24 years old has job and own apartment in Doylestown, PA - he thinks on line dating will only find people too old for him
  Wed. 4/16/14 7:12pm Robert:

How it is about lipstick is how I was about job hunting for a long time, and probably still should be.
Avatar Wed. 4/16/14 7:12pm Callieflower:

I had a guy I didn't know lecture me, telling me that eHarmony is the only site that'll find me a man who'll commit. I told that guy off for thinking he could lecture me about my dating lite
Avatar Wed. 4/16/14 7:13pm Peanut:

for better or worse, i think most people after 30 meet their long term partner at work. You get a preview of what a person is like outside of a bar or tense date environment, and you can slowly get to know each other.
  Wed. 4/16/14 7:14pm KK:

Hey Ange... Just testing out the new app. I feel like the lonely FMU hippies cld def comment on how NOT to get a second date.
  Wed. 4/16/14 7:14pm Robert:

Yes, Peanut! And it's so frustrating that they try to discourage on-job flirting or dating.
Avatar Wed. 4/16/14 7:14pm Skirkie:

I had met my girlfriend when I least expected it. But she was also a friend of a friend's friend.
Avatar Wed. 4/16/14 7:15pm Skirkie:

...After a show a Maxwell's, which is kind of like a party.
Avatar Wed. 4/16/14 7:15pm Callieflower:

I stopped seriously paying attention to my dating sites back in November. I'll get back to it at some point
Avatar Wed. 4/16/14 7:17pm JakeGould:

Ange, the ‘Say “Yes!” to the party.’ is the best advice. I honestly hated dating apps. IRL (in real life) things are much better.
  Wed. 4/16/14 7:18pm KK:

My personal rule is go out and do stuff alone bc its fun but also you then you can really see how other people treat you as a female.
  Wed. 4/16/14 7:18pm Jonathon:

You should call the girl within 1 day of meeting for a date
  Wed. 4/16/14 7:19pm Robert:

One experience that's been reliably bad is having been fixed up for a date by friends. That seems never to work.
Avatar Wed. 4/16/14 7:19pm Foolbert:

Masturbate.

Well, that was being a bit of a jerk, and was a little too limited, so better: 'If you want sex to be a regular part of a relationship, stay sexually satisfied while you're looking.' If you're too horny, you will be attracted to people that might not really make it for you later on when you're (as you likely want) having relatively frequent sex. Similarly, don't overdo any drug that makes other people seem more attractive to you or you more horny.

That is to say, keeping satisfied makes sexual attraction a better guide.

The most successful relationships I know started between people interested in the same things, which interest caused the two to be around each other often, and whose possible attendant difficulty (e.g., trying not to fail at a very tough school) gave you sympathy with each other even before the relationship.
Avatar Wed. 4/16/14 7:20pm Callieflower:

I talked to one girl for like a month and a half on OKC/Skype. When we finally went out, it just felt like meeting up with an old friend. Could not have felt like less of a date
  Wed. 4/16/14 7:21pm Maurice:

i met my girlfriend while serving on jury duty, I'm madly in love with her, its the best thing the government has ever done for me!
  Wed. 4/16/14 7:21pm KK:

@jake i def agree with that
Avatar Wed. 4/16/14 7:22pm Peanut:

@Callieflower i think a pre skype is really a good idea, Andrea did it in one of her older episodes
  Wed. 4/16/14 7:23pm Robert:

I agree with Foolbert as well. I remember going into a party horny and winding up scaring everybody there by my rxn to a very immature lady.
Avatar Wed. 4/16/14 7:24pm JakeGould:

Ange, also the rule about how many days afterwards? Kind of weird. I think that if you are into someone, forcing a “wait” is silly. If you are not into them but are going through the motions, then why? Nobody wins.
  Wed. 4/16/14 7:25pm Cliff:

Those of us with hearing problems and have a lot of anxieties over using the phone prefer texting or emailing. It's not always a sign of disinterest.
  Wed. 4/16/14 7:25pm Robert:

Maurice, that reinforces my thinking that dating is much like job hunting. I figured jury duty to be good for the latter, because during voir dire you find out about each other. But everybody laughed when I whipped out my resume and gave it to another panelist during voir dire.
Avatar Wed. 4/16/14 7:25pm Skirkie:

We went on our second date the night after the first one.
  Wed. 4/16/14 7:26pm Jonathon:

Agree about that with friends and family - need time before the "reveal"
Avatar Wed. 4/16/14 7:27pm Peanut:

Rules change for every situation and person, this is the golden rule. You may decide to play the "3day rule" with one person but get a different vibe from another where that doesn't apply.
  Wed. 4/16/14 7:28pm Jonathon:

Also good news about the chemistry. It is spring and people will biologically be attracted to hook up
  Wed. 4/16/14 7:29pm Robert:

So as long as we're...uh, I'm...on the subject, Ange do you think it would've been easy to manage the FMA if you'd known nothing about music?
  Wed. 4/16/14 7:31pm KK:

my friends had this thing called The Friends Test where they meet the person ur dating and judge a them based on... some...criteria...? its supposed to be helpful but i found that it got rly catty. Esp if u rely on the opinions of other ppl too much. happy i never did that.
Avatar Wed. 4/16/14 7:32pm Callieflower:

What about Nathan Fielder's "Dumb Starbucks"?
  Wed. 4/16/14 7:32pm P-90:

Hells yeah "the spark" is real, ut just never lasts. You have to build that relationship that replaces "the spark" before it fades
  Wed. 4/16/14 7:32pm Maurice:

Robert you brought a resume to jury duty, I am so impressed, that is true planning my friend. Maybe we should all have a social resume? Yes the revealing process of voir dire is totally conducive to understanding others and her honesty drew me in.
  Wed. 4/16/14 7:32pm Jonathon:

Is a Skype date too creepy
  Wed. 4/16/14 7:36pm ~L:

My cousin meet her future husband at a coffee shop, she just asked could you move your books so I could sit down? They started talking and talking and got married a couple of years later!
Avatar Wed. 4/16/14 7:36pm TheMarmot:

I love what Holly was saying about not letting your genetic 'fail-safes' determine your future. Out think the last ditch scenario! P.S. this is @injecttruth
  Wed. 4/16/14 7:36pm Rock Gym Guy:

What about unusual dates - would you be turned off by a date to climb at a Rock Gym?
Avatar Wed. 4/16/14 7:36pm Listener Julian:

Is Randy's book deal legit?
  Wed. 4/16/14 7:37pm Robert:

As long as things have slowed on this scroll, more about my response to Foolbert:

I was showing off my bath foam formula for kids in the kiddie pool. (Our hosts had encouraged me to try to commercialize on it.) Afterward a young lady from across the street got in with me. I told her, "Other friends have told me bubble bath is sensual. Would you like to have sexual intercourse with me?" She responded very affirmatively! But then our host explained to me that she had the mentality of a child in terms of maturity.
Avatar Wed. 4/16/14 7:38pm Callieflower:

I haven't done it, but I'm fine with a Skype date. I've had some guys who wanted to move directly to Skype instead of talking on OKC
  Wed. 4/16/14 7:38pm HEAT:

I love text fests in a new relationship
  Wed. 4/16/14 7:39pm earrie:

You can't skype a meetng/mixing of phernones. It's tough to look into someone's eyes via tech. It's so cold by definition.
Avatar Wed. 4/16/14 7:40pm Peanut:

i feel like a skype date is great but you also have to be weary the undertone of it is cam sex... unless that's what you want of course. And you could always just log off. It's easier to escape a bad date on skype. OOPS WIFI WENT OUT!
  Wed. 4/16/14 7:41pm Robert:

So this is basically my problem: My intellect is highly developed, but socially someone with a child's social mentality is my perfect match!

Anyway, heeding my host's advice, I wound up masturbating in the foamy pool, with a couple of friends there for moral support.
  Wed. 4/16/14 7:42pm P-90:

I too have NEVER seen a woman wearing much makeup at the gym
  Wed. 4/16/14 7:42pm earrie:

Typo -- pherMones.
Avatar Wed. 4/16/14 7:43pm Callieflower:

the desire to run came the first time I went out with a boy. that date lasted for an hour. and then he surprised me with a kiss. I glared at him
  Wed. 4/16/14 7:44pm Robert:

For a few mins. there, before my host explained about that young lady, I'd thought, wow, this bubble mixture has better commercial potential as a romantic aid!
Avatar Wed. 4/16/14 7:46pm Callieflower:

I'd love a thoughtful email exchange with a guy, but the men of OKCupid seem incapable of even stringing together three sentences
  Wed. 4/16/14 7:47pm Jonathon:

Do you need a wingman/woman as escape route from the date?
Avatar Wed. 4/16/14 7:50pm Andrew Waterloo:

I haven't figured out which OKCupid message doesn't get crickets
Avatar Wed. 4/16/14 7:50pm Callieflower:

I normally let a friend know that I'm going on a date and make sure she has my number on-hand
  Wed. 4/16/14 7:51pm KK:

yes for thoughtful emails - i love seeing how people write longform. also yes for making sure the person you're into has compassion and empathy for others.
Avatar Wed. 4/16/14 7:52pm Callieflower:

I get a lot of messages that are, "Hi. How are you? You're pretty," and I dismiss all of those, Andrew. I only respond if the guy makes it clear that he actually read my profile
Avatar Wed. 4/16/14 7:53pm TheMarmot:

Could it be 'dating' is an unnatural and coerced act? Should something as important as finding your life mate develop organically, or scheduled and organized like an office meeting?
  Wed. 4/16/14 7:54pm Robert:

My best friend, Nadine, is someone who has told me a few times, over decades, that she just couldn't abide a romantic future with me -- that it just wouldn't work.
Avatar Wed. 4/16/14 7:54pm Andrew Waterloo:

Calleflower.. I usually do make it clear that I read their profile.. usually say something about myself that I think they might be interested in as well.
  Wed. 4/16/14 7:56pm Robert:

Well, Marmot, that's why so much of the world practices arranged marriages.
Avatar Wed. 4/16/14 7:56pm Callieflower:

Then you're ahead of most men I've found! :p
Avatar Wed. 4/16/14 7:56pm Foolbert:

Here's a very general but useful one, useful that is if you have any empathy at all:

Try to imagine that there is an actual person much like you inside that other body.
  Wed. 4/16/14 7:57pm Rock Gym Guy:

Andrea & Holly - great show tonight. Why oh Why is def worth tuning in
  Wed. 4/16/14 7:57pm KK:

Marmot - thats what it boils down to... but so much about what we do is so anti-organic and unnatural. well anyway gonna sign out for the night. gnite everyone and it was cool getting a live show andrea and holly!
Avatar Wed. 4/16/14 7:58pm TheMarmot:

That's the opposite side of the spectrum of what I was thinking, Robert. All the great relationships I've had were people I simply met while living life, no 'dating' involved.
  Wed. 4/16/14 7:58pm Cliff:

Dating websites are fundamentally broken - their revenue model depends on people coming back to the site over and over again, maintaining membership, etc. so they don't want you to find a match right away....or ever.
  Wed. 4/16/14 7:58pm Robert:

Rock Gym Guy, I thought Ms. Silenzi's strength was in the producing, but I see she does a great live show too.
Avatar Wed. 4/16/14 7:59pm TheMarmot:

That's odd. I 'fell' into my career as well. *shrug*
Avatar Wed. 4/16/14 8:00pm JakeGould:

Up next, figure out if your date across the table from you is actually a Nazi with Dave Emory!
Avatar Wed. 4/16/14 8:01pm Ange:

Thank you all! Those were awesome comments right when we needed them.
  Wed. 4/16/14 8:01pm Robert:

Jake, I'm hoping some day to be fingered by him as a Nazi! And since he's talked about people I know, I have hope there.
  Thu. 4/17/14 11:58pm Cenovia Adelleh:

I was with a guy for 3 years, he always told me he loved me and that we wouldn't break up because if you love someone you make it work. We could never work out a time when we were both free and just a couple days ago he said we should just be friends. I know he dont me love anymore. When we were dating he said to everyone that I was his girlfriend and introduced me, told his friends he really liked me and told me he loved me, I wanted to be with him again but I never knew what to do. I tried for a long time with other spell casters to get him back but dr.marnish@yahoo.com was the ONLY spell caster that could do the love spell for me that worked, if you need help call him +15036626930, he will always come to your aid, Obviously dr marnish is the REAL DEAL!
  Mon. 6/30/14 2:11pm Sasha WAYNE:

I and boyfriend dated for 4 months. I did everything for him whenever he needed help, I love him so much and cared about him a lot. I never asked anything from him. Everything was so perfect and good between us. He told me he would take me ring shopping and we would settle down and have a baby together. Everything was great. We met each other families and everyone told us we were perfect for each other. one night i caught him with another girl in a hotel, when i made a search, the receptionist told that my boyfriend always come with the same girl all the time to the hotel. i was so heartbroken and don't know what to do with myself, i could not stand the chance to loose him, so i met a friend who gave me this email of this spell caster robinsonbuckler@yahoo.com to contact him, i did and after 3 days of contacting Mr Robinson, my boyfriend came back to me and he stopped cheating
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