Listeners of WFMU's weekly phone-in show Seven Second
Delay know Andy Breckman as the lovable, huggable,
light-hearted co-host; a radio Everyman whose angst-ridden
encounters with life's little speedbumps touch the hearts of millions
and stimulate reflection on The Human Condition.
The reality, of course, is that Andy Breckman
is a bubbling cauldron of tranquilizers, vodka, anxiety and fear.
He's no different than any other volatile, deranged individual
-- all he wants is to push innocent bystanders onto the tracks
and be given a fair shake. Is this too much to ask?
The Seven Second Delay Benediction
Dear Lord
May My Show Succeed
And May The Shows of My Friends Fail
And Yet May I Still Be Perceived
As a Team Player
Amen.
Stuff by Andy:
- See the homepage for Andy's little TV show, Monk.
"If you think Monk is bad, you havent seen Andy's movies! Four
Stars!!"
-Ken Freedman
- Wild
Pitches
"Today, we're going to talk about two of the worst pitches of my career. Students of bad comedy may want to sit up front."
- Nobody Move! It's Richard Pryor!
"I have dozens of stories from my day job as a
big-time, grown-up Hollywood screenwriter - all of them
field-tested and honed and embellished to perfection.
Okay, not dozens. Nine. I have nine stories. But that's
more than you have, you asshole."
- Anatomy of a Bomb
"I know how you nutty FMU hipsters love to hear juicy inside
stories about your favorite Hollywood movies. Well, tough
titties. I can't help you. I never worked on any of your
favorite movies. But I did do a rewrite on Hot to Trot.
What you need to know before calling in at (201) 209-9368:
(Forewarned
is Forearmed...)
-
Andy is trying to popularize "Tough Titties" as a catch phrase. Andy's
previous catch phrases ("Go
to Hell" and "Sieg Heil!") failed to capture
the public's imagination.
For Andy to collect any royalties on the phrase, you must use
"Tough Titties" inappropriately, at the slightest provocation.
- If you say "How You Doing?" when you first get on the air, Andy will
respond "Great, now that you've called." Try not to take it personally. Andy
can't help it.
- If Andy asks "Who do you like better, me or Ken?" it is important to answer "Ken," or else Ken will hang up on you.
- When calling, it is customary to say "First time caller,
long time listener, I can't believe I got through!" regardless of
whether or not any of this is true.
- If Andy gets bored with you, he will say "Hold on a second, let me
see if anybody here cares..." Silence will follow. If you try to speak,
Andy will hush you as he polls the non-existant studio audience.
- Sometimes Andy will say "Sorry, I have a life, and by that,
I mean I have a large screen color TV." (Don't take it personally.
But Andy's TV is impressively huge.)
Background References Explained:
The Thunderdome: From 1991-1993, Ken ran a family amusement
center in New Jersey called
"The Thunderdome." Andy was the opening act for such national stars as
Eddie Rabbit and Freddie Cannon. After several disappointing seasons, The
Thunderdome was closed. Ken blames Andy's opening acts for The
Thunderdome's failure. Andy blames Ken's failure to put in access ramps
from the Garden State Parkway.
Indian Bob: Andy uses his show on WFMU to try out new material
for his "real" show
on another radio station. Andy's co-host on his other show is Indian Bob.
Indian Bob will laugh at anything, but he did invent "Indian Summer" and
the
concept of "Indian Giving."
Call Screeners: Andy enjoys abusing his call screeners. He is
more than happy to
invent nasty traits for them. Stork was a chronic masturbator, Scott was a
pedophile, Dan was a mysterious Egyptian, Dave was heir to a
family fortune. Andy went easy on Justina, but insisted on calling her
"candypants." Andy claims that the previous call screener "Big Carlo" was
bitch slapped by lightning and needed small shiny objects to be
pacified. He refers to our current call screener, Maria, as a
genius, which happens to be true.
Andy's Neurological Disorder: Andy cannot remember names or
recognize voices. On the 10/18/2000
show, Andy failed to recognize the voice of his own wife while she was
live over the phone.
Albinos: Since Ken does not allow Andy to make ethnic slurs,
Andy substitutes Albinos for all ethnic and religious groups that he
wishes to deride.
Hippy Noise: Andy refers to any music post-1974 as "hippy
noise" and anybody who likes Ken better than Andy as "lonely
hippies."
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