Listen to local radio for four consecutive hours (come on, you can do it!), randomly changing the station every so often. Start with 500 points, and add or subtract points as indicated for each occurrence of an event listed here. Then check your city's score against the scale below--the lower the score, the more awful.
| Each advertisement | subtract 2 |
| Public station: Pseudo-classy "underwriting" ad by prestige-seeking corporation or foundation | subtract 10 |
| Any straight-faced claim that station is "the best" ("The Best Music," "San Diego's Best Rock," etc.) | subtract 20 |
| Purportedly "non-stop" music that is in fact interrupted | subtract 25 |
| The word "relaxing" used in description of station's format | subtract 20 |
| The phrase "Classic Rock" used in any way | subtract 20 |
| Contest requiring listeners to embarrass themselves by answering their phones with asinine promotional slogan | subtract 25 |
| Station giving out 900 number for requests, polls, or anything | subtract 25 |
| Violation of FCC regulations (obscenity, failure to air legal station ID when required, etc.) | add 20 |
| (If obviously deliberate | add an additional 10) |
| Live in-studio interview with band or author that is not trying to sell anything (tour, new record, book, etc.) | add 30 |
| Interview with really stupid band with nothing to say | subtract 25 |
| (If they take calls live on the air | subtract an additional 15) |
| Kids' show actually produced by kids | add 30 |
| Any song you've heard played on the radio in the past three days | subtract 20 |
| "Stairway to Heaven," "Bohemian Rhapsody," "Won't Get Fooled Again," or any other '70s stadium-rock anthem | subtract 30 |
| Any song or other recording featuring sounds of people having sex, but only if it includes men | add 25 |
| Any song by Nick Drake | add 30 |
| Any piece of music from a Touch cassette | add 30 |
| Piece of non-Western music played for no reason (i.e., not part of a special or specialty show) | add 25 |
| Any Beatles song except "Old Brown Shoe" | subtract 25 |
| "Jesus Was Way Cool" by King Missile | subtract 50 |
| Any record not easily purchasable | add 15 |
| Any piece of music longer than six minutes | add 20 |
| Any piece of music longer than 14 minutes | subtract 20 |
| Song so bad you have to change the station before it's over | subtract 30 |
| (If intentional | add 10 instead) |
| Song promoting shoplifting or other blatantly illegal act | add 35 |
| Heavy metal song that actually frightens you | add 20 |
| Cynical attempt to feign affinity with wage-slave listeners ("Thank God it's Friday," reference to Wednesday as "Hump Day," etc.) | subtract 40 |
| Bona-fide pirate station received | add 45 |
| (If station plays any record you've heard on a commercial station in the past three weeks | subtract 30 instead) |
| DJ coughing, sneezing, etc. on mic | add 20 |
| (If trying to be arty | subtract 25 instead) |
| DJ reading poetry on the air | subtract 20 |
| (If DJ's own poetry | subtract an additional 15) |
| A half-hour or more of continuous music without bragging about it | add 20 |
| Patriotic remark of any kind | subtract 30 |
| Anti-Cuba remark | subtract 25 |
| Pro-Cuba remark | subtract 25 |
| Racist remark or joke | subtract 35 |
| Anti-American remark | add 35 |
| (If DJ is a Third World Nationalist type | subtract 30 instead) |
| Anti-cop remark | add 35 |
| Use of the expression "politically correct" by right-wing talk-show creep | subtract 30 |
| Anti-music business remark | add 20 |
| (If by someone selling "alternative" product | subtract 25 instead) |
| Any anti-drug remark or advertisement | subtract 40 |
| Advertisement read personally by DJ (unless comically flubbed or deliberately sabotaged) | subtract 25 |
| Any discussion of the weather | subtract 15 |
| Jazz shows only: Excessive time spent reading personnel or session information for a track | subtract 4 for each minute over 1 minute |
| Approving references to Satan or Satanism by anyone 15 or younger | add 40 |
| Approving references to Satan or Satanism by anyone older than 17 | subtract 25 |
| Self-promotion by DJ of his/her own book, record, or other project | subtract 4 for each minute it goes on |
| Use of the pretentious non-word "musics" | subtract 20 |
| DJ referring to what he/she is doing as "radio art" | subtract 25 |
| Prank phone call made live on the air, if it's entertaining | add 30 |
| (If to a government or corporate official | add an additional 25) |
| College stations: DJ talking about self for more than two minutes consecutively, unless it's really funny | subtract 20 |
| College show underwritten by local "hip" record store | subtract 25 |
| College DJ mispronouncing person or place name during news reading | subtract 25 |
| Gratuitous reference to fellow DJs by name, or other "in" station reference | subtract 20 |
| Joking or bantering with station colleague who is off mic (i.e., inaudible) | subtract 5 for each 5 seconds it goes on |
| During public station fundraising drive: Excessive repetition of pledge-line number | subtract 5 for each mention more than 6 per half-hour |
| Denunciation of people who listen but don't pledge as "ripping the station off," etc. | subtract 30 |
| Either of the following offered as membership premiums: coffee mug, tote bag | subtract 20 |
| Anything at all that makes you laugh uncontrollably (I'm assuming this isn't easy to do) | add 50 |
| Each Christmas song played during Christmas season | subtract 1/2 |
| ("Santa Claus Is Coming to Town" by Bruce Springsteen | subtract an additional 15) |
| Any holiday song played during the wrong season | add 25 |
[Previously published in the book "Radiotext(e)" and "Zingmagazine"]